Alone In My Memories (Twin Series) Page 6

  “Myles' uncle did the hiring. It was during Myles senior year of college,” Gertrude said, stepping in where Katherine’s husband had not. “I remember when he first brought you to us. You were such a tiny, lovely thing. I baked cookies that day also. In fact, the same kind of cookies I baked today. I remember you liked them and so I had a fresh batch baked whenever you came. Didn’t I Myles?”

  “Yes Gertrude, you did,” Myles spoke like a man whose thoughts were far away.

  He appeared deep in thought. Katherine could feel something in the air, but she didn’t know exactly what it was, nor had a notion of what exactly it could be.

  “You two looked so wonderful together! We all liked you very much Katherine, right from the start because you weren’t like the other girls that came around, you were different. I knew this the very first moment I saw you and when Myles married you, it was one of the happiest days of my life.” Gertrude lifted the hem of her apron and dabbed her eyes. She laughed shaking her head. “Who would have thought an English class could bring two beautiful people together?”

  Beautiful, the word rang out loud in the room, echoing back into her mind, over and over again. Katherine felt disturbed by this word. It was this one point which unsettled her. She never felt comfortable with the way she looked. This was a concept very few people understood about her, even her closest and dearest friends. Patricia said she was weird for wishing she had been born plain and ordinary, but Patricia didn’t understand what it was like. She didn’t know the extent men went to get her attention. Katherine wanted to be wanted for who she was, what she thought, how she felt. She wanted to be with someone who saw the deepest depth of her soul and deemed this view of her valuable.

  What was the value of physical beauty? Surely it was not enough to base a relationship on as bindingly eternal as marriage. Katherine had never been pleased with the way that men looked at her. She was a beautiful, desirable woman and when she was in college all of the guys ogled her. She didn’t feel comfortable and always shied away from their attention.

  Caleb’s approach hadn’t been very aggressive. He was friendly, relaxed, not overly complimenting her like most guys did, but had talked about his love of football, his last play and what he needed to do to get himself more up to par in the game. She had liked his friendliness. Caleb wasn't the touchy-feely type. He never once overstepped his boundaries with her, Katherine knew she had his wholehearted respect.

  Myles saw the look of displeasure in her eyes when Gertrude made her innocent statement. He remembered when he gave Katherine a compliment she looked unsure of his sincerity, uneasy and had hurriedly left his side. It was always that way with Katherine. She couldn’t take a compliment, it seemed she didn’t trust compliments and so he learned to stop giving them. Myles realized that to be near her he needed to distract her so she would let her guard down, and in so doing let him in. That is why Myles had been so overjoyed when Katherine became his English literature tutor.

  An image conjured up in his mind of Katherine, six years ago, standing in the entrance of his library with a cream sweater and a tweed knee-length pencil skirt. Her thick light brown hair was upswept in a long ponytail which swayed from side to side as she strolled into the room. He unconsciously rose to his feet, staring at Katherine as though she was a figment of his imagination because she was there, in his home, where he always dreamt she would be someday.

  His uncle smiled down at him knowingly, as he observed his marveled expression. Then Uncle Frederick informed Myles that Katherine was to be his tutor. Myles knew it was not by accident that Katherine of all people was chosen by his uncle to tutor him.

  He knew this all came about because of how he mentioned Katherine to his Uncle Frederick on an innumerous amount of occasions. He had not been able to get her out of his mind. It was like Gertrude said, she was so different than the other girls. Katherine didn’t pretend to swoon every time she saw him, bat her eyelashes at him, or giggle at everything he said. Those were tactics far beneath her, yet there were times, moments like this one where Myles wished his wife would have the adoration for him other women seemed to harbor.

  Strangely this was what had drawn him to her. Even when she appeared coolly unmoved by him, as Katherine looked now, unimpressed by his obvious display of wealth, he was still overcome by her beauty. Katherine contained a beauty which was not only visually eye catching, but it was one that ran deep. It was in the way her eyes lit up when she laughed, the sound was like music to his ears, the passionate way she felt about classical literature, the emotion which came to her voice when she discussed it.

  “That’s how we…why we…” Katherine couldn’t finish. What Gertrude revealed to her was far more than Myles or her mother had expressed.

  She didn’t know if she wanted to remember. Katherine sensed her reluctance to put the pieces together, but it was time she began to try. She owed it to her sons. Whatever the truth was, whatever was going to be revealed, frightened her. It was as though there was a secret she locked away from herself, somewhere deep in her heart.

  “Yes, of course. It all began in the library where you tutored him. Has he taken you to the library yet?” Gertrude asked.

  “No,” Katherine said weakly, fearing what she sensed next would come.

  “You should take her there Myles. It’s where your wedding pictures are. You should look over them. Maybe it will help you to remember Katherine,” Gertrude said encouragingly.

  “Yes remember,” Myles said dryly.

  What was that in his tone? Did she hear a note of resentment?

  “Shall we?” Myles stood up, towering over her small form. Katherine watched as he shrugged out of the tailored black jacket and rolled up the sleeves of his crisp white shirt up to his elbows, displaying well-toned arms.

  “I don’t know if I can right now. The boys─” Katherine said hesitantly, not wishing to be alone again with Myles.

  “Oh it wouldn’t take but just a moment,” Gertrude insisted. “Why don’t you two run along?” When Katherine remained silently indecisive Gertrude gently urged, “Myles take her to the library.”

  Myles reached out to help his wife up. Katherine shook her head and managed to pull herself ungracefully up out of the chair, as he watched her wobbling stance. Flushing, she straightened her smock and tried to appear far more dignified than she felt. Myles let her out of the kitchen as Gertrude began to whistle a tune.

  In no time at all they were standing before the entrance of the library. Katherine found herself reluctant to go in. She just stood there looking at the endless number of books bound in leather with their golden lettering, identifying the contents held within. A pool of light flooded through the two-story windows, bouncing off the grand cherry wood bookcases that flanked either side of the window as well as the walls, which stood adjacent from each other. The bookcases ascended to the ceiling, spanning the walls. There were hundreds of books, perhaps thousands, easily in reach. Other books were assessable by the wooden ladders that were securely latched on to their frames. This was an English literature major's dream, a space which held all of the genius of various different eras’. Katherine was speechless. A familiar feeling overcame her. Katherine had the impression she felt this way once before, when she was first brought to this very room.

  “It’s incredible isn’t it?” Myles asked, as he studied his wife.

  Katherine cleared her throat twice before she could speak.

  “It is rather impressive,” she admitted. “It’s the epitome of all libraries,” she said breathlessly as her eyes traveled around the room, sweeping over the round library table with its ball and claw feet, to the two leather hunter green chairs that faced each other. There was a medium sized Tiffany lamp on the table.

  “Epitome,” Myles said, with a resentful note to his voice.

  “Yes, it’s what all libraries should be,” Katherine spoke with a note of reverence to her voice. She could feel her heart racing with excitement.

  “That’s
exactly what you said when you first came here.” There was a tightness to Myles voice, that Katherine picked up. He had not seemed overly happy that she made this observation. “Let’s go inside,” Myles said as he lightly nudged her forward, into the room.

  Katherine nodded as she stepped into the library and found herself drawn to the table where a striking Tiffany lamp sat. Lightly, as though she was afraid she might harm it, Katherine glided her fingers over the pattern of the table, slowly tracing the outline of the inlay design.

  “This is where we sat for practically every evening for months except weekends, pouring over the works of famous Classic English Authoresses. Let’s see,” Myles nodded towards a section of shelves three feet away from them, “Margaret Cavendish, Anna Laetitia Aikin, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Charlotte Bronte, Emily Bronte, and let’s not forget your most esteemed favorite Jane Austen,” Myles said as his grip tightened on the green leather chair until his knuckles went white.

  “You have all of their books here!” Katherine’s voice lifted, her eyes brightened like a child in a candy store. She glowed with a newness of life and purpose that these books always inspired within her.

  It was the first time Katherine looked at him that way, in forever. Myles stood speechlessly watching her as she moved to run her hands over the leather bound novels of the authoresses he had mentioned. Katherine certainly hadn't lost her passion for Classical fiction…a passion which had no equal. It was what Myles first loved about her and what he had grown to view as a rival, because it was all Katherine held in the highest esteem, except Caleb.

  “They are all here as well as many others, such as Pilgrim's Progress, Clarissa, Gulliver's Travels, The Count of Monte Cristo, Vanity Fair, The Woman in White etcetera, etcetera. On these shelves are housed, hundreds of the greatest novels of all times,” Myles said dryly, remembering the days and hours Katherine spent in this room, pouring over these very books, hidden away from him. It was as though she used this room to escape their life, the reality of their marriage.

  This place represented the barrier she put between them, from the very beginning, and strangely it was the very instrument he used to draw her near.

  “You are so fortunate to have all these.” Katherine turned, gazing up at him, eyes aglow with their light brown luminous brilliance, that was so ethereally beautiful, that it swept his breath away.

  I would be more fortunate a man to have you, Myles thought with a fleeting sense of loss. It was not enough to have her physically near him, what he craved was her heart. This was the only thing he had ever desired, and the only thing he was consistently denied.

  “Surely you must have a love of the Classics?” Katherine said searching for a common ground between them. Perhaps it would give her an understanding of why she had married Myles. If only she could believe their shared interest had somehow managed to overpower her affections for Caleb.

  He wanted to tell her then just who it was he loved with an endless passion as she loved these books, but the words laid trapped inside him, locked away so deep within the very core of his soul, that he wrestled to utter them.

  “I have a love of many things, but Classic literature has never been one of them.” Myles watched as his wife’s eyebrows knitted in confusion.

  “But you said you took the class on Classic English Authoresses,” Katherine said looking up at Myles questioningly. “Why would you take such a class if it wasn’t something you were interested in?” she questioned.

  “My interest for that class had nothing to do with the contents of its books or the logic of its arguments.” Myles watched how his wife slightly tilted her head to the side, gazing up at him as one did an astounding mystery. “You see, there was this girl I was trying to impress. I chose that class to be near her,” he stated truthfully, pointedly expecting her to guess his meaning.

  “I couldn’t entirely imagine wanting to capture someone’s attention like that.” She blinked. “Did it work?” Katherine's tone was sincere. He watched as her eyes widened with interest.

  “I think it did.” Myles laughed dryly. “When you look at all this, you can clearly see I married her.”

  Katherine looked taken aback. Myles could see it was not the response she expected.

  “Was it so easy then…was I?” Katherine said discontentedly as she lowered her gaze onto the red and green Persian rug. Did I give in like all the others did? Did you make a fool of me? She wanted to ask.

  Now look what he had made her think. In three strides Myles was beside his wife.

  “Kat,” Myles said deeply, brushing his finger over the warmth of her cheek. “Easy could never be a word I would ever use to describe you,” he said tenderly.

  After a few moments when Katherine didn’t respond Myles tilted her chin, forcing her to look up at him. He saw them then, the tears glistening in her eyes. Perhaps it hadn’t been a good idea bringing her here.

  “I have never met a woman of more virtue in all of my life,” Myles stated, willing her to believe him.

  “But it just seems like I came here, you showed me your impressively vast library and it was all the incentive it took for me to marry you. It just sounds so,” she searched for the right words, “so cheap to me.” Katherine sniffed.

  “No Kat, it wasn’t like that,” Myles said soothingly.

  “Then what was it like? What were we like together? I am trying to make sense of this and it still doesn’t make any sense to me at all?” Tears of frustration began to flow then. He could feel her trembling.

  Myles pulled Katherine into his arms as she wept out her anguish. He kept her close to his heart. Even when she tried to pull away, he refused to let her go. An odd thought hit him then. All he ever wanted to do was protect Katherine, but hadn’t his determination to keep her safe, to keep her close, hurt her more than anything? Myles felt the weight of the guilt he had been carrying for six long years. What had he done to Katherine, to the both of them? His selfish actions had brought on so much misery.

  “Hush,” Myles whispered as he mildly brushed her brow until he heard the light whimpering sound Katherine made. “I don’t think you’re ready to talk about this now.”

  “Y-yes I am,” Katherine said weakly.

  “No.” Myles shook his head, his chin rubbing against the softness of her silken strands, as he felt the dampness of her tears soaking through his shirt. “You aren’t ready Kat. Today you have gone through an overwhelming amount of change, more than most people can handle. Why don’t we take it easy for the rest of the day and when you are feeling stronger we can pick up where we left off, alright?” he coaxed, as his fingers trailed up the center of her back, as he felt the compelling brush of her warm swollen belly against his.

  “Myles?” Katherine inched back to gaze up at her husband.

  When Myles' gaze settled upon Katherine he could see all of the vulnerability in the world in the warm brown depths of her eyes. Her cheeks were dampened as she took gasping breaths. Her lips lightly trembled, beckoning to him. Their pouting fullness calling to him, catching him off guard, playing with his thoughts, wreaking havoc with his senses, until Myles kissed her. His lips gently brushed hers, once, twice…so lightly he thought he’d imagined the kiss until she turned away and stiffened in his arms.

  “Kat?” Myles brushed his lips over her temple, willing her to turn back to him, needing her to long for him in the way he always longed for her.

  “Let me go,” Katherine whispered as she lightly pushed against his chest. “Please Myles, let me go.”

  There was a frantic plea in her tone that disturbed him. Myles didn’t want to release her, not when it felt like heaven having her in his arm. Not when he knew she needed him, yet his arms dropped to his sides. Instantly she backed away from him, with a lost and confused look in her eyes.

  What had he done now? Myles didn’t mean to kiss her. He didn’t want to scare her away, but he hadn’t been able to keep a tight rein of himself, which was nearly impossible when Katherine was nea
r. He watched as she thoughtlessly dashed aside a tear. Reaching into his pocket Myles pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to his wife.

  “Here, take this.” He watched as she reluctantly reached out and clasped the white handkerchief with her long delicate fingers. He watched as she dabbed her eyes and found himself wondering how Katherine manage to look so effortlessly beautiful, even when she had been moved to tears?

  Katherine was repulsed by her behavior. Why had she allowed Myles to hold her? Why had she not stopped him sooner when she sensed he was going to kiss her? What did Myles think of her now? She had wept over the thought she’d been too easy a prey of his six years ago, when not two minutes following she'd been a willing companion in his arms.

  “I’d like to go to the boys now,” Katherine said softly, as her eyes rested on his chin, avoiding his gaze.

  “Kat, let me─” Myles began, but she cut him off.

  “Don’t.” Katherine shook her head. “I can’t. Please, the boys.”

  With not another word Myles lead his wife to their son’s playroom, disappearing moments later.

  Chapter 5:Dreams

  Katherine did not see Myles for the remainder of the day. She busied herself playing with the boys and assisting Laura with their baths, even when she felt the twinge of pain in her temple. Her headache was back. Unable to keep to her promise of reading their children a bedtime story, Katherine kissed her children good night and withdrew from their room.

  She was relieved when Vivien came knocking nearly five minutes later graciously offering to assist her as she retired to bed. Vivien didn't make it known, but Katherine knew Myles sent her. After Katherine bathed, Vivien showed her the armoire where her clothing resided. Then Vivien pulled out a sleeveless cotton nightgown which reached to her knees, after she slipped it over her head.

  “Oh, you look lovely. I think Mr. Manley will be well pleased when he sees you. I haven’t seen him so happy in weeks as when he told us all just yesterday you were coming home.” Vivien smiled, with a dreamy look in her eyes.