Alone In My Memories (Twin Series) Read online

  Katherine reluctantly took the gloves as she looked in the mirror. It seemed like the first time she saw herself, her pregnant womanly self. She looked the same and yet somehow different. Her hair had changed, it was longer than she remembered it, lighter in shade and there was a softness to her features that was not there before. She was more curvaceous. Her hips were slightly wider and fuller. Her breast had considerably changed in size. They were larger and slightly tender…Her lips were full and pink, and her eyes were large bronze translucent orbs, so innocent for a woman who was married with children. Katherine was also very conscious of the fact she could barely see her toes and just how large and swollen her belly really was. Her body didn’t seem like her own. At that moment she wanted to burst into tears. She had never been overly concerned about her appearance, until this moment. Katherine tried to tell herself she was being silly, but she couldn’t seem to shake her dampened spirits.

  “Just have a seat and I’ll slip on your shoes.” Her mother gestured to the chair beside her bed.

  Katherine sat as tears came to her eyes, as her mother slipped on the red pumps.

  “Now what's wrong darling? Are your shoes too tight?” her mother asked tenderly.

  “I don’t want to go,” Katherine said weakly, bowing her shoulders, as her nerves soared.

  “I know sweetheart, but life isn’t always about what we want to do. Sometimes life is about what we need to do. Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we want for others. Your life isn’t your own anymore. you’re a married woman, and you have children now. That alone changes everything.”

  “But I’m so scared Mother,” she admitted, trembling, hating her vulnerability, but unable to fight the urge to voice her emotions.

  “It will be alright, you’ll see.” Her mother affectionately squeezed her left hand.

  “Mother, I don’t feel married, I don’t really know him…I feel like my life is out of control,” tears trailed down her cheeks, “and there is nothing I can do to stop it,” Katherine stated.

  “Now, don’t do this. Your life isn’t out of control.” There were tears in her mother’s eyes also. “You’ll see in time, I promise.”

  “I feel like I don’t have a say in what happens anymore. Myles told Caleb not to come see me,” she said. “He had no right to say that.” Katherine breached the subject to her mother, waiting to hear what she had to say on the matter.

  Mrs. London swallowed. “We are both grateful to Caleb for what he has done, but I think Myles was right when he suggested Caleb should stay away and let the both of you be for a while.” Her mother looked away from her then, avoiding her eyes.

  “Why did you say you are grateful to Caleb?” Katherine sensed her mother’s uneasiness. Her mother looked reluctant to speak.

  “I am grateful because Caleb was the one who found you Katherine,” Mrs. London said. “He pulled you out of the car, just in the nick of time. I don’t know if you would have made it if he hadn’t found you.” Fresh tears appeared on her mother’s cheeks. “Only,” her mother shook her head, “I think it’s best…to leave things as they are.”

  Katherine was surprised at her mother’s words. She sensed a coolness in her mother’s tone when Caleb was mentioned and Katherine couldn’t see why her mother would be unhappy with the very man who saved her life. What was the matter? What was her mother not telling her?

  Mrs. London reached out then and grabbed a candy striped bag she had put on the nightstand. Reaching inside the bag she retrieved a book she now handed to her daughter.

  Katherine eyed it in disbelief.

  “Pride and Prejudice,” she whispered as she held the book. Her eyes trailing over the lovely cover which was a Victorian painting that depicted the Bennet sisters. “I always wanted to read this book.” Yet she felt bewildered at what this book had to do with their conversation.

  “You’ve already read it three times. It’s your favorite Jane Austen novel.” Her mother sniffed.

  “But that’s not so,” Katherine denied. “Emma has always been my favorite.”

  “Not until you read Pride and Prejudice. You always liked Emma’s independence, her spunk and the fact that she didn’t need to marry, nor had any notion to marry. But then you read this book and all that changed. This became your favorite.”

  “I don’t remember reading it.” Fresh warm tears trailed down her cheeks, tears of self-pity.

  “I know and that is why I bought this for you, because I think you should read it again and maybe, just maybe, this book holds some of the answers you are looking for.”

  She heard the door open as her mother brushed the tears from her cheeks. It was probably Anna coming to get her, but when Katherine looked up Myles stood in the doorway, holding the eyes of his reluctant wife. Her mother straightened as he entered the room.

  Myles took the scene in. He had awoken that morning feeling more joy than he had experienced in weeks and there she sat with tears in her eyes, a telling sign Katherine did not want to be with him. He remembered what her doctor said, how her mother tried to encourage him. Everyone was optimistic. He stood there watching her, remembering how she cringed when he tried to touch her and appeared relieved when he left her side. Doubt set in.

  “Hello,” Myles paused looking from Katherine to her mother, then at Katherine again, “is something the matter?” He knew the answer, only he needed to hear her say it.

  “Just a little nerves,” her mother said, trying to lighten the air.

  His eyes rested intensely on his wife.

  “Are you alright Katherine?” Myles asked.

  Katherine lowered her eyes onto her belly. She wanted to tell him she didn’t want to go. She wanted to say that maybe she should go home with her mother for a while. But then she thought about the baby, of the two young boys who needed a mother, as much as she had needed her father when he had left her and her mother, when Katherine was only ten years old. Her father’s selfish actions still hurt her, even today, so many years later…she couldn’t do that to her children. She didn’t want them to feel what she had felt, ever.

  Finding the inner strength she did not even know she possessed, Katherine stood.

  “Yes I’m fine. I’m ready.”

  Myles was studying her again. She turned knowing her eyes expressed every emotion she was experiencing, every ache inside her heart which she wasn’t ready to share with him yet, perhaps not ever. Katherine kissed her mother goodbye, disappointed that her mother could not join them, yet understanding why she had to begin this journey without her.

  As they went through the hallway Katherine was aware of the attention they drew. Men and women alike stared as they went by, watching as they headed to the exit of the hospital where the Silver Dawn was waiting in front, as Anna wheeled her outside. It was as sleek and formal as she remembered. Strange that out of all she had forgotten, Katherine still remembered this.

  Instantly she spotted the driver coming around to her side of the car. When he tipped his hat at her she gasped, “Jenkins,” Katherine spoke in amazement, truly pleased to see Myles Chauffeur, to know he was still working for the Manleys.

  Jenkins was a very kind man with warm friendly eyes. He had changed, she realized instantly. His hair had grown all white, where before it was a mix of black and gray.

  “Mrs. Manley I am so happy to see you and to know you are well. We were all so worried.” There were tears of relief in his eyes.

  It was touching to see Jenkins cared. It implied they were closer than she could remember and who was the we he spoke of? It was strange, Jenkins calling her by her married name when he had always referred to her as Ms. Katherine. It made her wonder about the woman she had become. Was it possible for her to hold a candle to that woman now? Who was she really? The person she remembered would never have agreed to be Myles wife. How did this occur? And even though the question was haunting, Katherine didn’t think she would be pleased with the answer.

  “Thank you Jenkins,” Katherine said as Anna h
elped ease her up out of her seat. Then she felt Myles' hand on the center of her back guiding her into the car and it felt alien to her, his touch.

  Myles said nothing for the entire drive after he made sure Katherine was comfortably seated. Today she looked like his wife, elegant, sophisticated as she sat poised beside him, unaware of his deep admiration or of her captivating beauty, a beauty that had been rivaled to none other. Katherine was the girl all of the men at the University of Pennsylvania wanted. She was a vision to behold. None could compare to her. She was breathtakingly lovely, shaped to perfection with large light brown eyes that were slightly slanted on the side and sparkled like golden flecks of sunshine. Her hair was the lightest shade of brown he had ever seen with streaks of gold all throughout…making her appear unearthly. Her complexion was flawless, all but the scars which now rested on her cheek and forehead. Her lips were lusciously full and pouted prettily, begging to be kissed.

  Katherine had been looking out the window, not really seeing her surroundings, more so lost in her memories. She remembered every day of her life, except the last seven years. Her memory was so keen she could smell and visually recall every fond aspect of her past, but this, the present, was a dark shadow. She found herself basking on the thought that Caleb saved her. Hadn’t he always been her knight in shining armor? This was not the first time he came to her rescue. Would it indeed now be the last? Could she possibly show Myles how wrong he was in keeping her away from Caleb? But Katherine couldn’t push the thought away that she was married now and this changed everything.

  When they drove through the large metal gates and pulled up in front of the mansion, Katherine felt incredibly unsure and out of place. This house didn’t look at all like what she envisioned her home to be. It felt more like a museum. It was a massive tan stone building, with dormer windows placed three stories high and a widow’s walk on the top, not the quaint family cottage she had always dreamt about. The front gardens where superbly trimmed, brilliantly laid out with the center of the circular driveway accented with a massive three-tier stone outdoor water fountain.

  Myles was at the car door. Katherine stood up out of the car just as the breeze blew, causing a strand of her hair to fall over her right eye, lightly tickling the smooth soft skin there. Before she could whisk it in place, Myles gently brushed it back behind her ear. Katherine looked up at him with a look of wonder in her eyes, but Myles didn’t seem to notice as he played with her hair, caressing it lightly with the tips of his fingers.

  It was odd feeling him touching her as if he had a right to. It made her feel uneasy. Katherine felt awkwardly out of place and found herself stepping a safe distance away from him, as her gaze drifted to the gravel at their feet.

  Myles dropped his hand then instantly from her hair, placing the palm of his hand on the center of her back. Katherine stiffened. He immediately felt her reluctance to be near him and he felt troubled by it.

  “Let’s go inside Katherine,” Myles suggested.

  Katherine turned, glancing over her shoulder as Jenkins lifted her Samsonite Streamlite suitcase. Jenkins smiled. She turned looking at the house, hanging back a bit apprehensively. What lay in store for her through those doors? Would her memory spark from the contents which were fixed within those walls, or would she remain in the darkness she'd awoken to?

  “Kat…” Myles said as he gently urged her forward. Before he could finish the front door opened. Two women in their black and white uniforms stood beaming as Katherine approached.

  “Mrs. Manley you're home!” the younger of the two squealed.

  “Oh just look at her,” the taller woman clasped her hands, “she looks wonderful.” There were tears in the woman’s eyes and when Katherine reached their side the taller woman warmly embraced her. Katherine was surprised, but the embrace didn’t feel awkward though she had never seen the woman before.

  “We are so happy to have you back.” Then the taller woman flushed after the younger lady elbowed her. “Oh yes, I am so sorry, you poor dear, you don’t remember us do you? My name is Vivien and this is Audrey.” Vivien then pointed to the girl at her side who curtsied.

  “Hello,” Katherine said, “It is very nice to meet you.” She was touched by their warmth, refreshed by their kindness.

  They both stepped back into the large entry foyer and she stood amazed at the regal splendor which swept throughout the room. It was truly enchanting, from the two curving staircases which led up to the second floor, to the large crystal chandelier that hung above their heads. Right beneath the chandelier stood a magnificent round ash burl table where a lovely Asian vase graced the top. The cranberry painted room was filled with large portraits, trailing up the wall, but there was a large wall on the left which was noticeable devoid of a painting. This spot in particular disturbed her and she didn’t know exactly why a bare wall could be so upsetting. Something was missing and Katherine couldn’t fathom as of yet just what it was. It was superb and far too formal for the entryway of a home. But this was a Manley home wasn’t it? And now she was a Manley.

  “Where are the boys?” Myles inquired, as he stood positioned beside her.

  Katherine listened to the lack of affection in Myles voice as he mentioned their children. His tone was much like her fathers had been whenever he called her to cancel one of the few of his monthly visits. Had her life come to this? Had she really given her children the same kind of father she had? Her father hadn’t even come to see her in the hospital. Instead he sent a dozen roses and a get-well note. Her father had taken his family on vacation. It seemed that even though his daughter had been in a terrible accident, he wasn’t going to allow his unwanted child to ruin the fun for his prized children.

  “Laura took them outside. Would you like me to get them?” Vivien asked, now looking uneasy, sensing the master’s displeasure.

  “No, I think we ought to go to them,” Myles voice was firmly decisive. Then without asking her, he proceeded to lead his wife through their home, out through the long stately hallway that had a magnificently tall glass door at the end, with beams of light pooling through.

  Katherine heard the boys before she saw them. One child giggled, the other laughed as they swung on their swings, while a very pretty young woman stood pushing them. It was like waking out of a dream. For days they were in her imagination. She had wondered about these children and now Katherine stood thirty feet before them and it was as though her dream had come to life. She could make out their features even from a distance. They were beautiful boys with golden blond hair, just like their fathers, handsome boys, with angelic features.

  “Mommy!” one of the boys squealed, as he stepped down from the swing and raced across the lawn excitedly toward her, wrapping his little arms about her leg. Katherine looked down at him not really knowing what to say or just what to do, yet she felt moved from just hearing him call her mommy. It felt right, because as bruised and battered as she was somebody wanted her, needed her, she was special to him, his mother.

  He raised his arms, begging to be lifted up. She slightly bent down and carefully picked him up, instinctively as he swept his little arms about her neck and placed his sun-kissed head upon her shoulder.

  “Oh Mommy!” His delight in just having her there touched her, bringing tears to her eyes.

  Something was missing in her life and she hadn't been able to put a name to it until now, motherhood. Katherine saw the other child being led to her. He appeared rather shy as the young woman guided him to her side.

  His large light brown eyes glanced up at her timidly at first and then he cried out, “Mommy, I love you Mommy!” He wrapped his little arms around her left leg.

  Katherine didn't know she had been crying until she felt the tears running down her cheeks. She saw Myles at the corner of her eyes. When she turned their eyes locked and she trembled with emotion.

  Myles watched her with their babies. It was a wonderful picture of his family and yet there he stood apart, at a distance to them. All he wan
ted to be was at her side, brushing her tears away, tenderly kissing her brow. Why did he feel so much like the outsider at this very moment?

  “Mommy pick me up too,” her son’s small voice traveled up to her.

  Katherine didn’t want to disappoint him, but she couldn’t possibly hold them both at the same time, her belly was far too large and her right arm was still healing.

  Before Katherine could speak she heard Myles say, “Laura I think it’s time to take the boys in for their nap.”

  “Please Daddy, no,” said the child in her arms, but Laura had already began to dislodge them from their mother, though they both began to cry.

  “No!” they screamed, but Laura led them away despite the upset it caused.

  Why did Myles send them away? She didn’t think him kind for doing it. Was he so intolerant of their children? Where was his heart? Didn’t he have any compassion for her, for them?

  “You didn’t have to make them go,” Katherine spoke when she finally found her voice.

  “I think it was appropriate they left. You must be hungry and I could see you were overwhelmed,” Myles said deeply, watching as she wiped her tears away.

  This she could not deny and yet the minute Katherine saw her sons she felt a pull, a tug on her heart which was unequal to anything she had ever felt before. “I’m their mother. They need me,” Katherine plainly stated.

  “Yes, Michael and Matthew need a mother…just as much as I need my wife,” he choked out the words bitterly. “Don’t you see that?” he pleaded, unable to fight back the words he'd held in for so many years.

  Katherine didn’t know what to say. She felt shocked at his words. Myles hadn't mentioned before that he needed her. In the past six days he had not really mentioned his needs, nor his want of a wife. Their children was her focus, they had brought her here.

  “It’s different for children,” she whispered, uneasily.

  “Is it really?” Myles questioned, frowning.

  “They are not like us. Children need love and affection. They need comfort. They need to feel like they are the most important thing in their parents world.” She spoke with a force of conviction, as the words she uttered flowed from the heart.